After reading on the topic of asking for help, I realized that I’m not alone in having difficulty asking for help. Also, that it’s influenced by your upbringing. At that point, I realized this was going to be more personal than I thought because I can’t honestly talk about something without sharing myself. So, let’s talk.
Let me tell you a little about my upbringing. I’m the first born of three children, my brother being the only boy & the youngest. Being the first born, there are expectations placed on you. Perfection is aimed for, even if not a realistic goal. My father was/is a controlling, patriarchal, former Marine, first generation Russian Brooklynite who became a NYS Trooper. Mental & emotional strength was trained at an early age in our family. All of us kids learned to be “tough” and not to rely on anyone except family, and definitely not to ask anyone else for help. Only the “weak” needed help. Asking my dad for help meant there were many strings attached, always, which gave him an opportunity to be in control and make you feel “less than”. So I really only asked my mom for help and I still do! My family of five became a family of four that I could rely on and always go to for help. I know I can ask people for help now & I’m working on doing that more, yet my default is always to try it on my own first. Upbringing, past experiences, etc all play a factor in asking for help. For me personally, I’m still not 100% comfortable with it, but I’m practicing.
As humans we are relationship seekers. This means we want to share our lives with others, regardless of the type of relationship (i.e. friendly, intimate, work, etc.). We are wired to connect, to be interdependent. Asking someone for help may make you feel vulnerable because it requires you to trust someone and exposure your limitations, but it’s actually an opportunity to build that connection with another person. Every human has limitations and needs help with something.
I love to help! I’ll always do whatever I can to help someone, and it makes me so happy to do that. I’m very comfortable giving help. In 2007 I traveled to Italy with a very generous friend of mine. I was a college student and basically broke. My budget to travel in Europe for 3 weeks was her budget for 1 week (or less)! She told me to just pay whatever I could and she’d cover the rest. Do you know how that felt? Horrible! I felt like a little kid who needed to be taken care of at the age of 34! I couldn’t carry my own weight (so to speak). I couldn’t repay her. I didn’t think it was fair. She very nicely sat me down (literally!) and told me that I’m a very generous giver, but that I really needed to learn to be a better receiver. I was silent. My ability to ask for help is out of balance with my ability to give help. I’ve been working on creating a better balance ever since and I remember her words often.
Having a healthy balance between giving and asking for help is important. In any relationship (personal or professional), it can’t always be one person giving while the other person always receives. You have to share the gifts, that asking for and giving help is – a gift. It’s a gift to someone you are helping because they need your help and it’s a gift to ask someone for help because you are basically validating that they can make a difference in someone’s life. That’s huge! So why do people have trouble asking for help?
- Growing up you might have been taught that asking for help makes you seem weak or incompetent. Asking for help actually takes courage, bravery, and emotional strength. On the other hand, always asking for help just because you want someone else to do everything for you isn’t a true exchange in a relationship. This is one-sided & takes the other person for granted, not valuing them.
- Based on past experiences, asking for help had strings attached. This means that someone would help you, but they always made you “pay” for it somehow. For example, maybe they threw it back in your face that time you needed to borrow money, or they’d only help you move into your apartment if you set them up on a date with your best friends. Strings belong in your shoes, not in relationships.
- Past experiences of asking the wrong people for help and they always turned you down. This made you not want to ask anyone for help anymore because “no one” helps you. Finding the right people in your life to support you is important.
- Fear that if you let your guard down & be vulnerable, you’re going to get hurt or not knowing something will be used against you. Also fear that asking for helps means surrendering control over something.
Most people would like help, but don’t know how to effectively ask for it. Literally, don’t know how to ask for it. People can poorly ask for help by using guilt, coercion, blackmail, etc. That’s not the right way to ask for help nor does it show value to the relationship. Asking for help means you do have to be vulnerable, you do have to choose your words, you do have to be open. Here are some tips to help you ask for help:
- Be straightforward. Don’t beat around the bush or use a lot of words to ask for something simple.
- Ask in person vs over text/email when possible. A face to face interaction has more value than an impersonal screen.
- Approach an ask for help with an openness to be seen and heard. This puts both people more at ease and less on the defensive.
- Ask the right people. If you’ve asked someone for help several times and they’ve turned you down each time, maybe they’re not the right person. Who supports you? Who can you rely on?
There are people who are totally comfortable asking for help and there are people who are totally uncomfortable asking for help. Personally, it depends on what I’m asking for help with how I feel. For example, I am very uncomfortable asking for financial help. In the past, it has come with emotionally abusive strings. I’m more comfortable accepting an offer of financial help vs asking for it. I’m very comfortable asking someone for help professionally. I want to be better and do better so if someone can help me, I’m all for it. I’m uncomfortable asking for help with stuff around the property that I can “technically” do on my own, but I’m learning (I really am!) that I don’t have to do it on my own. For me, that’s been a nice shift in perspective to allow myself to ask for help. I’m learning that I can’t do everything on my own and if I want that expectation to change then I need to change my mindset. It starts with me and I can work on that. That’s my story that I’m working to rewrite.
Asking for help has always been difficult for me. Being a first born, my “job” was more to help others than to ask for it for myself. Over the years with incredibly supportive friends, family, & a very straight-forward therapist who doesn’t sugar coat anything, I’ve learned to ask for help more and be more comfortable with it. I know I’m not the only one who has trouble asking for help, which is why I wanted to write about this. If you are someone who loves to help others, remember that feeling you feel when you help someone. That feeling is what other people get when you ask them for help. Wow, think about it; you could share that feeling with someone just by asking for help. 🙂 As you go through this week, be brave and courageous – ask for help if you need it or want it. It takes practice to be vulnerable, but remember it’s a gift – for you and someone else to share. 🙂